There was an almost uneasy feeling in Runt’s chest as the caitian walked down the welcoming halls of Deck 371, anxiously fiddling with his jacket zipper. This was normal. One hundred percent. Counseling has only been in the back of the cats mind since he first joined the academy. Toooootally normal. All he has to do is play it cool… But just as soon as he approached the door of Luna’s office, the cat stood almost completely frozen. Last time he ever saw anyone go to get help, they got worse.

Surely that’s a sign to Runt. A sign to turn around, a sign to go in?? It was too confusing for his mind. So, now…he just stood.

This wasn’t something uncommon in Counselling, so much so if patients didn’t announce themselves reasonably promptly Luna would go in search of the nervous or uncertain, not least to assuage her own nervousness. She’d counselled many by now and largely very successfully, but Luna was condemned to be nervous herself, probably for the rest of her life. The door before Runt swooshed open and the Counsellor looked about the waiting room with large, blue eyes, quickly spotting Runt.

“Ensign M’Hark?” She asked, in full knowledge that it was he. She had read his file and seen his picture after all.

”Ah! Uh! Hi!” Runt squeaked out, tail tucked behind his legs, eyes wide. “Ms. . Luna. Sorry, I uh—uhm…yeah.”

Runt was never this nervous. Well, no, he was. All the time. But this was new: confronting yourself and your past isn’t easy. Half of the cat wanted to scream and run away with their hands flailing in the wind, and the other half wanted to sob on the floor like a kit.

“I’m…here to talk.” He took a deep inhale, ears fluttering. “About things.”

Luna blinked.

“Um, yes. Most people are,” she smiled. “L… Lieutenant Black is fine… come in?” Luna gestured Runt inside the office with a perfectly manicured hand (this weeks nails were a natural pale pink with white and baby blue flowers on). It was lit in a cosy fashion and smelled slightly of vanilla.

”RIGHT! Right, Lieutenant Black. Apologies, it’s been—a very long day.” He was very stiff, hesitantly walking in and sitting on one of the sofas. There was an awkward pause from the cat, before he spoke again.

”…I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know fully why I came here.” His ears were flat against his skull. “Something happened a few days, and I tired to ignore my feelings after. Ignore it. But. . .” Runt looked down at the ground. “I think I’m tired of ignoring it.”

“Um, well, that’s good,” Luna observed. “It might mean you are ready to face… whatever it is?” Luna sat on one of the couches, not directly opposite him, but not next to him either. Opposite would create an unconscious suggestion of adversary while next-to would be too familiar, not giving Runt space.

“B…. before we begin,” she started, “can I um, can I just take a second to cover the elephant in the room, otherwise it’ll be distracting. I will stammer? A bit? Um, just ignore it. It doesn’t mean anything about the session it’s j… just something that I have to deal with. B… but um, please try not to finish a sentence for me… if I get stuck. Now um… can I get you a drink…? Or would you like to dive right in?”

He raised a brow. “Oh. I didn’t even notice it, so don’t worry.”

The cat then glanced around the room, clearing his throat. “Maybe..later. I’d prefer to just dive in, if you don’t mind.”

Runt curled up into a ball on the sofa he was sitting on, huffing. “It’s pretty clear in my file I have a..thing going on. I forgot what the official diagnosis is. Hugh functioning is what they added to it.”

Luna nodded and standing, quickly acquired the glass of water that had been sitting on her desk, placing it on the coffee table in front of the couch she had chosen.

“Your file says P… Post Traumatic Stress,” Luna confirmed. “Are… you able to tell me what happened?”

“Uhm..” Runt scratched the back of his neck, holding a hand there. “I don’t know exactly how to explain it. I was thirteen, and…at a party, and something was..” The cat trailed off.

”That’s not important. Just—something happened, and now I got that because of it.” Runt quickly receded, seemingly now on the defensive about talking about what he was so confident in discussing beforehand.

”I just need to know how to cope with these aftereffects. That’s all.” The cat frowned.

Luna sighed, internally.

“If… your leg is broken, the doctors can give you a painkiller for the pain… b… b… but you won’t be able to walk until the b… the bone is properly set,” she said in a kindly tone. “Similarly, I may be able to help a little with episodes… however…” Luna pleased herself with use of the word however, Ps and Bs were challenging her on that particular day. “…unless we address your trauma directly, the episodes will probably never go away. To um, if you want to address the trauma directly, you will need to be able to talk about it.” She went on quickly before Runt could reply. “You can choose to speak to a different counsellor, if you want to, … I’m fairly sure they’ll all say the same.”

The cat crossed his arms, ears flat against his skull as he looks away. Was he upset? Annoyed? Maybe all of the above? It was hard to tell.

Runt took a deep breath, and looked at the therapist, and spoke.

Luna grimaced, very very slightly as Runt finished explaining.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” she said quietly. “Thank you for trusting me with it.” She was no stranger to accounts of trauma, but she was determined never to normalise hearing them and lose her empathy. Every time she did she told herself that what her patient had experienced was not routine, not okay.

“I don’t need to know any of the details,” she said reassuringly. “B… b… but, if you can, maybe you could tell me how what happened has made you feel, about yourself, or about others? I know it’s a lot. And I know that b… being high functioning there’s not always as much urgency to face the really difficult effects.”

”…It’s..” Runt hesitated, playing with his claws. “Weird. I feel weird. I can look perfectly fine and walk down the hall like any other person, but I’m..” The cat shuddered. “I’m constantly on edge. Mind racing—it’s like it’s yelling at me. I’m always taking on work for others, and it keeps my mind busy—but it keeps me stressed.”

Runt then looked to the side. “But…it gets easier. I’ve learned to cope with it: and with the people I love, it’s gotten easier. Like—Williams! Ensign Williams. Good friend of mine, kind of a rule to a T follower.” The cat noticeably de-tensed when he spoke about his friend. “..But we had a bit of an accident earlier.”

There’s a hesitant glance to Luna and back as Runt speaks. “We were taking a shuttle out for a test after repairs were made. Not everything was fully fixed apparently, and it lost all power. I freaked. I just….did. And I don’t know why, but sometimes you have those moments.”

The cat grimaced. “I almost hurt him. I didn’t mean too. That’s why I’m even here.”

Lunda nodded as she listened.

“That must have b… b… been scary,” she said with her usual empathy. “I um, I know it might sound silly, I always felt like simple techniques for helping situations like that felt cheap, like it’s somehow trying to circumvent the problem, but maybe you could try a couple of things for me? I know it’s not easy to have the p… presence of mind in the moment to do these things. Um, the first is when you are in a situation like that, try to find something to ground yourself, something that will prove to you quickly and unequivocally that you aren’t where your mind is flashing back to and you are in the present. Maybe you could feel your com badge, or your Ensign pip with your hand. If they are there, you know you can’t possibly be back then. Once you’ve been able to prove to yourself you are here and now, um, try deep b… deep breaths. You can hold them, count in for four, hold for seven, out for eight. Allow yourself time to take a moment, to stabilise and to b… to b…ring yourself to the p… p… p…” Luna took a beat and rolled her eyes at her stammer.

“…the a-present. Does that sound doable?”

Runt paused for a second at the thought, slowly gripping onto his com badge. It was a tight grip–so tight that he may break it–but that doesn’t happen. Instead, Runt follows what he was told–breathing. Count in on four…. hold for seven……. out for eight……..

“….Ah. That feels a bit better.” The cat was notably more calm now; obviously not A-Okay, but just enough to have a bit more stable of a conversation. “I’m sorry. It’s….I mean, I’ve had my methods. I’m able to do it. But they aren’t working anymore, I guess.”

He then looks at Luna. “I think I’m worried that if I were to speak out about this–speak to someone about my problems—then I’m not respectable anymore. They look at me with pity and think I can’t function.” He plays with his com badge again. “But I know that’s not me. I know I don’t freeze up anymore. It’s frustrating to have a fear I know isn’t….” There’s a pause. “….rational.”

“You can always talk to me,” Luna observed with a slight smile. And many people found they could, her manner was so unthreatening and open, so calm and empathic. She hoped Runt would be one of those people too.  “Your counselling records are confidential,” she assured him. “And we counsellors won’t think any less of you for seeking help. We’ll p…” Luna decided in the moment to just give up on P and B words for the rest of the day. “We’ll likely think more of you. And um, we can help with irrational fears. You can overcome this…” Oh what’s another word for privately? She thought. “…discreetly with us here and no-one you work with will ever need to know. If you’d like that, of course.”

The cat shifted in his seat, almost like he was going to fall off—instead opting to use his tail to find some general balance.

”That’s the weird part. I don’t….want to stay quiet. Not forever.” Runt grasped at his jacket, the red color notably an ugly clash to the blue uniform.

“Isn’t that kinda stupid?” The cat snickered, giving joyless laughter. “I want to speak to others more, get help, but I’m to scared to!!” Runt now hissed, fur bristling at the back of his neck as he spoke.

“But I’m too scared to even face my own anxieties if I had too, I don’t know how I’d react. I genuinely don’t.” Runt’s hands now rhythmically tapped on his jacket sleeve. “I don’t even know what I fully want. Ugh.”

Luna was slightly thrown off-kilter by the hissing, but managed not to show it too much. She regrouped and offered some more words of comfort.

“Not knowing is fine. It’s frustrating, I know. We naturally want to answer questions about ourselves. However, acknowledging that you don’t currently know the answer and accepting and being alright with the question staying open for a while can help. Imagine it’s a scientific experiment and you need more data to create a conclusion. Maybe as you go through the next few weeks and months you’ll have a thought or experience something that will help frame your viewpoint on this. As for not wanting to hide it, that’s um, it’s courageous, to me, if you don’t mind me saying so. If a situation is handled a certain way b… by most, it doesn’t follow you have to follow suit. You can handle it however you choose, as… as long as you don’t do anything illegal of course,” she added with a smile.

“Yeah, yeah.” Runt gave a small, more relaxed smile back at Luna. “I apologize for my all over the place behavior, Lieutenant. It’s not….its so weird finally voicing what I’ve been thinking for years, yes? And now that it’s all out here, I feel liberated. Thank you.”

The cats tail swishes back and forth after a beat of silence.

“Ugh, now that I’ve spilt my guts it feels a little silly to be here, haha…but we still have time, right? I got some more things on my mind.”

Luna looked at the clock.

“P… plenty of time,” she said with a smile.