It had been a few days since they had arrived at Overwatch Station. Lieutenant Junior Grade Jaxon Thorne, the Chief Of Security on board the USS Paso Robles, sat in his office. He was tapping his pen on his desk, it was a nervous habit that was foreign to him, he had never done anything like that before. Jaxon was just still wrapping his mind at how quickly the state of the fleet had changed. He needed to get his reports completed but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on them, recent events were clouding his mind.

The USS Paso Robles had answered an automated message from the SS Wolverine. Jaxon had been concerned about what they would find as there were no signs of life from their scans. Nothing had prepared him, Doctor Chen and the rest of the away team for the mutilated and brutal way the few crew members of the ship had sustained, not to mention those that were being transported due to injury and illness. It had been senseless and unnecessary. Their faces haunted him. Then, when they decided to transport the supplies they were carrying they discovered explosives set to go off, which had added another level of anxiety.

Things were considered back to normal now, as the Vaadwaur were defeated and life would go on, as it had before or so everyone kept acting as if that were so. Jaxon should be relieved, happy even, to know that the crew, his command staff, and everyone on the USS Paso Robles were safe now. They no longer had to worry about being attacked by the Vaadwaur. Between the mission to the SS Wolverine, where the Vaadwaur had murdered everyone and then set booby traps with explosives, it had raised everyone’s stress level a bit. He could tell that those around him were relieved, Jaxon listened as the crew talked excitedly about the future and where their next mission would take them, no longer having to look around every corner, to watch for the Vaadwaur, possibly attacking them next. Jaxon was not certain he could do that, he had been accustomed to watching and waiting, knowing at any moment it could be them. It was hard to let your guard down, Jaxon knew it would take time for him.

Earlier that day, Jaxon had gone to the lunchroom to get something to eat, though he had no real appetite. He had grabbed a plate and filled it with food that smelled wonderful. The captain’s wife, Chef Rosa Gutierrez, was an amazing cook, but even her enchiladas had not gotten him to eat much. He just was not hungry, his stomach felt sick and the last he wanted to do was draw attention to himself. He had wondered if he should see the doctor but he knew it was from the stress he was going through, the aftermath of the events on the SS Wolverine made his stomach turn. Jaxon could not erase the looks in their lifeless eyes and the terror. His eyes wandered around the room and they stopped as he saw Reeve, Taren and Aria talking animatedly. Whatever Taren was saying it made the other two laugh out loud. Jaxon hungered for that freedom, to be free of the pain, to be able to laugh again.

Jaxon wondered how Doctor Chen did it. After all she had seen, how could she just let it go, as if she had brushed it off and moved forward. He wondered if she was pretending the same as he was. None of them could just let it go that easily, could they? Especially Aria. Not long ago she was on the SS Wolverine, verifying and identifying the deceased civilians. Jaxon had been tempted for a moment to approach her and ask if she was struggling but then he thought about it, what if she wasn’t. Did he really want to bring attention to himself? Jaxon shook his head, knowing he really did not.

Jaxon knew he had to get past this but it was just so hard. Jaxon kept seeing the faces of the deceased crew from the SS. Wolverine. They weren’t even Starfleet, just a medical vessel that was transporting injured and sick people. The Vaadwaur hadn’t spared anyone.

Jaxon felt like he was merely existing, going through the motions. He was good at playing the game, he would appear unaffected on the outside by what they had found on the SS Wolverine. He loved being a security officer. He thought back to when he had decided to leave home and go to Starfleet. His family thought he would not succeed but he had never looked back. Working in security was what he was meant to do and somehow he had to deal with this, to find a way to move on as the others seemed to have done. If he couldn’t Jaxon did not know what else he would do.

Jaxon’s thoughts came back to the present, his fingers still tapping the pen on his desk. Conscious of what he was doing he dropped the pen. He stood up and headed out of his office, checking with his assistant for the bridge schedule and then headed to the gym. Jaxon thought maybe some time boxing would relieve his tension and it might help him to let go of some of the stress and emotional feelings he was going through. He kept telling himself the Vaadwaur were no longer a threat but he could not seem to let go of the feeling they would never be safe again. There would always be someone else wanting to conquer or destroy other civilizations. History had shown this time and time again.

Jaxon started punching the bag, over and over. In his mind he was punching the enemy, those who had murdered their fellow officers. It felt good in a way as if he was doing something to somehow fulfill justice for what had happened to his fellow officers. To the crew of the SS Wolverine. Jaxon did not understand having a drive or thirst to murder others. It wasn’t the Starfleet way.

Once he had tired of boxing he went to the treadmill, wanting to wear himself out. He hoped for a night that was not filled with the nightmares that seemed to so relentlessly plague him. He almost hated to close his eyes these days when he went to bed. Jaxon thought that if he wore himself down to the point of exhaustion, he would pass out and possibly have a dreamless night.

Jaxon started out walking and before long he was running, as if he was being chased by the Vaadwaur themselves, always staying one step ahead. When he had worn himself out, he stopped and leaned on the machine to catch his breath. It had been quite the workout, he had not exercised like this before.

Jaxon started collecting his things. He headed towards the door and his eyes met Aria Chen’s and he saw what looked like concern in her eyes. Jaxon finally broke the connection after a long moment and headed out the door towards his quarters. Jaxon did not like the way that Doctor Chen had looked at him. He knew she did not know what he was going through but it felt to him as if she could see right through him and the facade Jaxon was portraying to everyone. Jaxon wondered for a moment if he was being a bit paranoid.

As he walked down the corridor, he headed for his quarters and took a shower. Jaxon got a drink and then headed to lay down, hoping he would be able to get some sleep. He sat on the edge of his bed for a long moment, debating whether he wanted to try and finally lay down.

Jaxon turned on some music, playing low in the background and turned his thoughts to happier times. Spending time with his bondmate, Lira Chameer. He forced himself not to think about his troubles and fell asleep thinking about them getting married.

As it was on the previous nights he was soon trapped in a nightmare. It was the SS Wolverine all over again only some of the details had changed. Jaxon was standing in the center of the engineering department. He could hear screaming off in the distance and he hurried in that direction but he tripped over an obstacle on the floor. Jaxon looked to see what it was and Taren Voss’ lifeless eyes stared at him. Jaxon backed away as he saw the side of his head was caved in and there was blood everywhere. Jaxon quickly got up, reaching to press his comm for help when he heard the screaming behind him. Turning he saw Doctor Chen, tears running down her face as she ran towards him, screaming that everyone was dead and accusing him of not helping them. Jaxon felt fear run through him and he took off for the bridge. All Jaxon could think about is that he could not be too late; he had to save them.

Jaxon ran past her, running through the ship, seeing crew everywhere, laying lifeless where they had been brutally murdered. When he arrived at the bridge it was to find that everyone was dead. Captain Gutierrez, Lieutenant Commander Solwick, the entire bridge crew had been brutally killed. Sitting in the command chair was a Vaadwaur with a grin on his face. His eyes met Jaxon’s as if he dared him to do something.

Jaxon felt such rage as he had charged the Vaadwaur, attacking him, punching him over and over again. A part of him knew this was wrong but Jaxon wanted him to pay for all those dead, for his crew. He had failed them and now they were all dead.

Suddenly, he could hear ticking. It was loud and there was a countdown and he realized the computer was set for auto destruction. Just like with the SS Wolverine they were set to explode.

Jaxon’s eyes flew open as he jerked awake and sat up. He was breathing fast and it took a few minutes for him to calm down and for the reality that this had just been another nightmare to set in. He pushed off to the side of the bed and dropped his head in his hands. He knew at that moment that he could not go on this way anymore. He was the Chief Of Security, the captain and crew depended on him to protect the ship and to be at one hundred percent. Jaxon had tried to do this his way, to work this out on his own and that wasn’t working. If he could not find a solution he might have to make a hard call. One that he never imagined having to make.

Jaxon spent the rest of the night going over his options, wanting to make the best decision for himself and those he protected. It was just about time for shift change when Jaxon came to a final decision. He was going to get some much needed help, no matter the cost. It did not make him weak or scared that he could not do his job. What it meant was he had the strength and courage to come forward and ask for assistance. How many times had he encouraged his own officers to do that very thing.

Jaxon headed to his office and sent a message off to Lieutenant Junior Grade Lox, the ship’s Chief Counselor. He didn’t go into great detail, just asked if she had an opening that day as he wished to speak with her of a personal nature. Jaxon was relieved when she had responded with an early morning opening. Jaxon had a feeling she could sense by his tone it was important. Before he left the office, he made certain that all shifts for security were covered until he got out of this meeting.

Jaxon met with Zara and at first he was resistant, it seemed weird to him that he had come to her and yet he found it hard to talk about what he had been through and how he was feeling. Jaxon was afraid he would be removed from his position or sent home. Zara had assured him that he was not the only one who was having issues, that he was not alone. Knowing others were having similar doubts and thoughts had gone a long way to help him open up to her. Jaxon realized in that moment that part of what he was feeling was normal reactions.

Jaxon thought this would be some kind of instant cure but one thing he learned was that it took time to work through the feelings and doubts he had been experiencing. He had always thought going to a counselor meant you were sick and unable to perform your duties but he learned the value of having someone to talk to and to share with. Meeting with Zara had begun to help him get through his days and though he still was having nightmares they had started to dissipate.

The Vaadwaur were evil and they killed without any remorse but Jaxon needed to remember that there were so many more out there that valued life and were good. It was really up to Jaxon and their officers to try and change their mindsets. He had joined Starfleet to help change the universe, to become a better place for everyone and with all that had happened, he had lost sight of that. In talking to Zara, it had reminded him of the young, bright eyed cadet he had once been. Jaxon knew that deep inside he was still there. He would not let the Vaadwaur win by changing him and his role as a member of Starfleet.

There was a time Jaxon thought he would never be able to go to the mess hall and seek out his friends. He had thought he would always be on the outside looking in. But with the counseling sessions and a hard look at himself, he headed into the mess hall, grabbed some food and headed to where the rest of the department heads sat together. He joined in the conversation and found himself laughing and enjoying life again. It had not been easy at first, but with a little time, he had just joined in.

This is what Starfleet officers did. They faced the toughest times and then they picked up and went on, choosing to live their best lives so that those who were no longer among them had not died in vain. Jaxon knew he still had a ways to go but he was on the right path. He had learned a lot during his time of struggle, the most important thing was that they were a crew, family and when each of them went through tough times, they needed to rely on one another.